This column is inspired by the monologue "The Woman Who Loved to Make Vaginas Happy," from "The Vagina Monologues," which you should see at St. Olaf the last weekend in February.
Because this writer inaccurately believes that all of his readers are involved in some sort of choral performing group, it is best to target each of you as potential pioneers of a new, more liberated way of communicating sexual fulfillment. I'm talking about finding your inner sexual voice: a vocal signature that assures your lover that a) you're having a good time and b) they are, indeed, having sex with you and no one else.
Why, you may ask, should we try to create a new means of vocally expressing our pleasure? Simply put, the stifled groans of yore are extremely archaic and likely to be interpreted as uninspired and, worse, super boring. Save your "ooh-ing" and "ahh-ing" for fireworks; sex shouldn't be subjected the mundane grunts echoed by generations of lovers.
Your voice should be a unique, articulated representation of your libido - the metaphorical fingerprint of your sexuality - that can be used to tantalize your lover's loins with a mere recitation. We seek individuality so often in our lives, and it would be a shame not to apply the same effort to your aural "sex avatar" as your Facebook status.
When first starting your quest to find a signature all your own, you may want to consider having your partner help you. I don't mean that they should sit down with you and hash out your oral (!) calling-card over coffee.
The goal is to express the feelings you're experiencing mid-coitus. Still, your partner can be a great source of inspiration in that you can draw on a shared experience to let them know that you had them in mind during your pillow-muffled whimper. For example, while "I was looking at the light" doesn't mean much to any of you, someone in your vicinity may be blushing.
As part of a generation plagued by "Family Guy" humor, you may feel more comfortable with the "non sequiturial" approach. When using this method, I've found that it's best to say something about something foreign or equally unlikely to appear during conversation, like "French champagne has always been know for its excellence." Though the phrase lacks meaning within the given context, that doesn't mean that you can't search for meaning. Notice that both France and champagne bring to mind romantic feelings and that the use of the word "excellence" assures your lover that you're having a positive experience.
If you're trying to convey a level of euphoria that is well beyond the limitations of any linguistic coherence, you may find that gibberish provides an avenue of expression like no other. There's no rule that says muttered affection must coincide with words found in the dictionary; it's sex, not Scrabble. It is in this area that you can let your "boo tah wangs," your "choo ko chikees" and your "pa paas" run rampant.
Surely you're bound to find alternatives to these words lodged somewhere deep within your id. If you're at a loss, however, you're free to use any suggestions in this column as you see fit. If you do, be sure to cite me because plagiarism violates St. Olaf's honor code.
Whatever you choose to say when lost in the moment, the meaning of your words is of little consequence, but should they somehow be heard over the throngs of sweaty passion and the ensuing laughter makes you uncomfortable, do not fret! You may be surprised by the sexual applications of a roaring guffaw
Admittedly, some of you are going to be better at heeding this advice than others. Indeed, some of you may even be more skilled in the art of verbal signatures than your choral kin. However, I assure you all that there's a place for every type of voice in this choir, no matter how "colorful," and everyone can have a solo.
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