Inside the Lines: A cry for cable TV

Not quite four years ago, my life was considerably different.

Then, I was a sports fan. Now, I am lonely.

I was that guy. I dissected boxscores. I yelled for no reason at the television if the commercial break took four seconds too long. I watched SportsCenter highlights well into the early morning, even if ESPN was on the evening's 17th re-air. If a sports story were to break at 2 a.m., I would be the first to know.

Since I've come to St. Olaf, I've never been the same person. There are no commercials. There are no SportsCenter highlights during insane hours of the morning. And there is no breaking news.

There is no comfort of television. St. Olaf has crushed my sports fandom.

I've heard multiple stories as to why there is no cable in our dorm rooms. Consider this a plea, to whoever is responsible for stealing my soul, or request, for implementing cable television in St. Olaf dorm rooms. In fact, I'll compromise. All you need to implement are four channels: ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNews and FOX Sports Net North.

I've heard it. There are television lounges. There are three televisions in the Pause. To be fair, a television sits no more than 30 yards from my pod, in a room better suited for psychotherapy than watching Gopher Nation blow a 21-7 lead. Uncomfortable chairs are positioned five feet from the television set that receives awful reception.

If I fall asleep, which is not a rare occurrence, I do so at the expense of the St. Olaf community as they walk by. Back then, the enjoyment was lying down on my couch. I could enjoy repetitive highlights in peace. If I wanted a soda, it was right there, without missing a minute of the action. I could pace around the room to cure any sense of anxiety. Now, I sit on uncomfortable furniture. Any time I leave the five square foot room, I take a significant risk. And not only is there no room to pace, but once again, I'd do so at the expense of my peers.

Then, following sports was as easy as turning on the television and sitting on the couch. Now, not only is following sports difficult, but it is close to nonexistent, perhaps superficial. Of the people that are regular lounge-watchers, congratulations, somehow you can manage to watch an entire three-hour football game - or worse, baseball game - in a tiny, un-homey space. But on a Saturday (currently college football) and Sunday (currently NFL), I see lounges empty. Some have one viewer.

On Monday, the conversation goes like this:

"Did you see the game?"

"Yes."

Where are they watching? Am I the only one that doesn't have the comfort of cable in my room? Is it just the fact that my pod mates have a monopoly over our television with 24/7 "Halo"? Is this why my cable hasn't worked all year?

Speaking of monopoly, how about the Thursday night "Grey's Anatomy" crowd that stakes out the TV at lunch? If you want to watch a 7 p.m. game on Thursday, you're simply out of luck.

The influence of the Internet has completely revamped how we follow and interact with sport. Those that never watch think they have - it's almost a sort of brainwashing (I fall in this category) - by reading "expert" blogs, postgame reaction and viewing highlights streaming over the Internet. Those that watch religiously in the psychotherapy rooms, don't get defensive. You're there, just in small numbers. Because so few are actively participating in sport spectatorship - the real thing - fulfilling discussion becomes a thing of the past.

If watching sports is banned in dorm rooms, might as well make "Halo" a Level 1.

Consider the plea. I want my soul back.