How to lose a squirrel in 10 steps (not 10 days)

From the corner of your eye, it seems to be staring at you. You turn to look, and it scampers away to nibble on something it finds in the grass. Squirrel encounters like this happen every day on campus.

The funny creatures seem innocent enough, but this is a guise offering Oles a false sense of security. These squirrels are the vanguard of the great army of rodents who are conspiring, at this very moment, to stage a campus-wide uprising.

Don't get caught off guard when the time comes. Here are 10 easy steps to prepare you for the looming squirrel apocalypse.

1. Check enrollments to find out where the largest classes are and register for those. Ever wondered why there are so many bio majors? Power in numbers and plenty of windows from which to watch your enemy are indispensible in protecting yourself.

2. Know the location of the nearest body of water at all times. Squirrels can climb just about anything, but they will have a harder time catching you in a drainage pond.

3. Stay away from the climbing wall. They will win.

4. Duck and cover. Is that a glow-in-the-dark Frisbee, or have the squirrels built a high-speed hovercraft? Do you really want to find out the hard way?

5. Know your enemy. Leave food for the squirrels. Nod and smile when they chatter at you. Tell them about your day. Your friends may think the strain of organic chemistry has finally gotten to you, but they'll understand soon enough.

6. Tinfoil hats. Multifunctional as head armor and defense against telepathic squirrels.

7. Norwegian sweaters. You only bought it for Christmas Fest, but your Norwegian sweater will inspire fear among the squirrels. No one messes with someone in a Norwegian sweater and a tinfoil hat.

8. Replace your perfume or cologne with squirrel repellent. Be careful not to confuse with squirrel pheremones.

9. Remove nuts from your diet. If you can't resist, don't take your Cage trail-mix outside.

10. The moral of almost every man-vs.-nature story is that nature will win. When the squirrels finally mobilize with their telepathy and flashy hovercraft, they will still have nature on their side. Worst case scenario: just go with it. A campus run by squirrels is a green campus.

"Editor's note: this article appeared in the April 30, 2010 satire issue of the Messenger."