In other news...

Taiko gains first Asian member

"We're absolutely delighted to have [name withheld] join us," said Marit Hanson ‘10, president of the Taiko drumming group. "It's great to finally have some diversity. It was just a bunch of white kids before. Except for Jim. He's Polish."

Hi  Mom!  cameras  installed campus-wide

After parental complaints that a single Hi Mom! camera wasn't enough, hundreds of discreetly-placed cameras have been installed throughout campus. These new additions have been nicknamed the Hi Big Brother! cameras and have been discovered under beds, in bathroom stalls, under cars, in trees and even in the grips of the rock wall.

St. Olaf Choir lipsyncing  scandalizes fans

"Maintaining the idol status of the St. Olaf Choir is one of my most important responsibilities," director Anton Armstrong said in a statement. "That would be totally ruined if you actually heard these Justin Bieber wannabes sing!"

Giant Tofu Night in Caf

Randy Clay, responding to positive feedback regarding Giant Ice Cream Night, said the next step is Giant Tofu Night. "Now more than 73 percent of our students are vegetarian, and we have to accomodate them somehow," Clay said. Caf worker Fern recently let it slip on her KSTO talk show that the tofu extravaganza is meant to soften the news that the Grains line will be cut.

"Editor's note: this article appeared in the April 30, 2010 satire issue of the Messenger."