 "Photo: SARAH MINOR/MANITOU MESSENGER")
Calling all Harry Potter fans! It's time to break out your spellbooks one through seven because your favorite witch, Hermione Granger, is coming to this Hogwarts-looking campus – and she is more than willing to give away her autograph!
A recent press release by Emma Watson's publicist has confirmed it: the 19-year-old British starlet will be transferring to St. Olaf for the 2010-2011 academic year.
After what Watson called "a simply beastly" experience at her first choice of college, Brown University, the actress said – in a recent tell-all conference call with the Manitou Messenger and KSTO – she "can't wait to be back in the spotlight."
"When I applied to Brown, I just wanted to be normal," Watson said. "Blimey! I wanted to do the college thing like everyone else my age! I was looking forward to anonymity."
Apparently, life off the fast track turned out to be a bit too slow for this young billionaire.
President Anderson, deemed by Watson "an amiable bloke," has promised Watson special privileges to take effect the day she arrives on campus.
A staff member who wishes to remain anonymous exposed the bargaining behind this negotiation. "David Anderson was promised a head shot in Emma's next Burberry ad!" she said.
Regardless of the benefits for President Anderson, the first of these concessions by the college has already been determined: a highly publicized helicopter landing on move-in day to take place in the Buntrock parking lot.
This will be a big change from Watson's first day at Brown. "I arrived [at Brown] in a bloody minivan – that's how hard I was trying to blend in," she said. "This little stunt should be jolly good!"
Rumors are flying that Watson will be accompanied on move-in day by Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint. Watson said she will neither deny this speculation nor confirm it. "You'll have to wait and see!" Watson said.
Director of Public Safety Fred Behr is already drawing up plans for the landing.
"I'm not saying it won't be hectic directing traffic and keeping students off the red carpet, but I'm all for it!" Behr said.
"This summer I'm getting Emma's name tattooed across my chest!" he added.
"Editor's note: this article appeared in the April 30, 2010 satire issue of the Messenger."