2008 Woodie Awards
Sex on the Hill: Superman sex
Matt Halabi
Issue date: 10/3/08 Section: Variety
Have you ever wondered how your favorite superhero would fare - sexually, that is - at St. Olaf? If you haven't, I'm sure I've thought about the subject enough to compensate. Here's a carefully written, yet hardly exhaustive, list of pros and cons for some noteworthy heroes.
Superman
Pros: 1. When in Clark Kent mode, it's likely he would fit in pretty well with the common male physique on campus. Also, the glasses would create the illusion of intelligence. 2. Sex while flying. It'd be cool. 3. Have you ever sat with a lover on Old Main Hill to watch the sun rise or set? Superman could spin the Earth so the two of you could repeat that moment time and time again. 4. You can create mood lighting by draping his red cape over a dorm-allowed, non-halogen lamp.
Cons: 1. The potential for abusing X-ray eyes is greater than with your average hero. 2. Fans of "Mallrats" know the danger of intimacy with women that have a womb weaker than that of Wonder Woman. The solution for such a problem - Kryptonite condoms - aren't freely available at the Wellness Center. Also, they'd kill him. 3. Faster than a speeding bullet. That was cheap. I'm sorry.
Batman
Pros: 1. A utility belt is quickly becoming an essential bedroom … um … utility. There's no limit to the amount of applications that such a multi-tool can accomplish. 2. His experience as an escape artist can thwart even the most persistent JC or RA's attempt at writing you up for intervisitation. 3. Advanced martial arts training, combined with his physical strength, can overcome any challenges posed by a twin extra-long bed.
Cons: None.
Wolverine
Pros: 1. I can't say with any certainty, but I think that his healing capabilities may prevent the spread of STIs. 2. There's something so primal, even sexy, about a man that can slip into such a bestial passion.
Cons: 1. Night terrors. You've got an exam in the morning and he keeps tossing and turning, saying something about Weapon-X. 2. The additional weight of his body due to 100-plus pounds of adamantium may cause an increase in the noise coming from your room. Mellby residents should be wary.
Dr. Who
Pros: 1. Time travel could give you a better appreciation of campus life. Go back a few years to see the original Ytterboe dorm - and have sex in it! 2. A sonic screwdriver may be even more helpful than the utility belt.
Cons: 1. "Bigger on the inside" might apply to more than just the TARDIS. 2. Should he encounter a chastity belt with a deadlock seal, he's powerless.
Admiral Akbar
Pros: 1. His keen trap-detection abilities would make him an ideal SARN advocate.
Cons: 1. Mon Calamari.
Spiderman
Pros: 1. His Spidey senses may prove useful for interpreting your every want without you having to communicate directly. 2. His upside-down kiss is second only to my own in terms of overall hotness and execution. I embrace the competition.
Cons: 1. Any attempts to get creative with his webbing must be limited in duration due to their gradual disintegration. 2. While the idea of having sex on the ceiling is appealing, it's important to remember that St. Olaf policy considers it a fire hazard.
The Hulk
Pros: Imagine the amount of strength you would need to perform any possible sexual position. Now double it ... That's him. 2. His monosyllabic speaking patterns are kind of endearing.
Cons: 1. Don't get him angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. 2. As a college student, it may be too financially demanding to support him due to shirt costs.
There you have it. I hope that this list helps any of you that are seeking the accompaniment of a super-lover in the near future. In an effort to keep readers, I will turn the nerd knob back down to ten for my future submissions.
Superman
Pros: 1. When in Clark Kent mode, it's likely he would fit in pretty well with the common male physique on campus. Also, the glasses would create the illusion of intelligence. 2. Sex while flying. It'd be cool. 3. Have you ever sat with a lover on Old Main Hill to watch the sun rise or set? Superman could spin the Earth so the two of you could repeat that moment time and time again. 4. You can create mood lighting by draping his red cape over a dorm-allowed, non-halogen lamp.
Cons: 1. The potential for abusing X-ray eyes is greater than with your average hero. 2. Fans of "Mallrats" know the danger of intimacy with women that have a womb weaker than that of Wonder Woman. The solution for such a problem - Kryptonite condoms - aren't freely available at the Wellness Center. Also, they'd kill him. 3. Faster than a speeding bullet. That was cheap. I'm sorry.
Batman
Pros: 1. A utility belt is quickly becoming an essential bedroom … um … utility. There's no limit to the amount of applications that such a multi-tool can accomplish. 2. His experience as an escape artist can thwart even the most persistent JC or RA's attempt at writing you up for intervisitation. 3. Advanced martial arts training, combined with his physical strength, can overcome any challenges posed by a twin extra-long bed.
Cons: None.
Wolverine
Pros: 1. I can't say with any certainty, but I think that his healing capabilities may prevent the spread of STIs. 2. There's something so primal, even sexy, about a man that can slip into such a bestial passion.
Cons: 1. Night terrors. You've got an exam in the morning and he keeps tossing and turning, saying something about Weapon-X. 2. The additional weight of his body due to 100-plus pounds of adamantium may cause an increase in the noise coming from your room. Mellby residents should be wary.
Dr. Who
Pros: 1. Time travel could give you a better appreciation of campus life. Go back a few years to see the original Ytterboe dorm - and have sex in it! 2. A sonic screwdriver may be even more helpful than the utility belt.
Cons: 1. "Bigger on the inside" might apply to more than just the TARDIS. 2. Should he encounter a chastity belt with a deadlock seal, he's powerless.
Admiral Akbar
Pros: 1. His keen trap-detection abilities would make him an ideal SARN advocate.
Cons: 1. Mon Calamari.
Spiderman
Pros: 1. His Spidey senses may prove useful for interpreting your every want without you having to communicate directly. 2. His upside-down kiss is second only to my own in terms of overall hotness and execution. I embrace the competition.
Cons: 1. Any attempts to get creative with his webbing must be limited in duration due to their gradual disintegration. 2. While the idea of having sex on the ceiling is appealing, it's important to remember that St. Olaf policy considers it a fire hazard.
The Hulk
Pros: Imagine the amount of strength you would need to perform any possible sexual position. Now double it ... That's him. 2. His monosyllabic speaking patterns are kind of endearing.
Cons: 1. Don't get him angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. 2. As a college student, it may be too financially demanding to support him due to shirt costs.
There you have it. I hope that this list helps any of you that are seeking the accompaniment of a super-lover in the near future. In an effort to keep readers, I will turn the nerd knob back down to ten for my future submissions.
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