Paperwork error: O.J. Simpson Center

With construction on Old Science nearly complete, plans to dedicate the new building as the O. Jay Tomson Center in honor of the building's major donor have hit a snag.

Due to an unfortunate typo in the signage papers, the Old Science Center will forever be named the O.J. Simpson Center.

"By the time we realized the mistake, we already had half the letters up," an inside source said.

When construction is done, the bronze letters will glitter in the same sunlight from which the building's namesake is locked away due to a 2008 conviction of armed robbery. When asked to comment, President David R. Anderson ‘74 tried to play off the mistake by explaining the name as two-part.

"The ‘O.J.' stands for the orange juice we encourage all our students to drink as part of a healthy breakfast before their 8 a.m. classes and the ‘Simpson' is our attempt to incorporate modern media as an example of the relevance of the atoms and stuff these kids are studying," he said. "As many know, Homer Simpson, the father figure in the popular show The Simpsons, works in a nuclear powerplant."

When told that the O.J. Simpson Center would have no science programs in it, Anderson responded saying that "The Simpsons" is still a good show.

Simpson (the man, not the doughnut chowing cartoon) reached out to the St. Olaf community with his only phone call of the week. While initially claiming to be very grateful for the honor, he quickly became belligerent and demanded royalties for any profits made by the center. Despite efforts to convey to him that there would be no profit from the building, Simpson became excited and began yelling through the phone.

Despite the apparent disagreement over royalties, Simpson said he was happy to escape from the mind-numbing boredom that has dominated the first two years of his 33-year sentence.

Tomson, retiring this year as the Chair of the Board of Regents, was not availble for comment. Sources close to Tomson described him as "peeved."

Anderson attempted to put a positive spin on the issue. "We used granite for all our buildings to create an emphasis of unity. To continue this emphasis of unity we shall be giving all our buildings new names," Anderson  said.

For instance, there are rumors that Tostrud will be the Michael Vick Memorial Gym.

Of course, the school will honor its Norwegian roots and spell the names in the traditional Norwegian orthography, meaning "Vick" will be spelled with an additional 12 letters, budget cuts permitting.

"Editor's note: this article appeared in the April 30, 2010 satire issue of the Messenger."