Slip reveals that Kneser’s memoir was ghostwritten

Readers were spooked upon discovering that Dean Greg Kneser's bestselling memoir Don't Be A Fool Around Ghouls: Embracing Diverse Shades of White, was actually ghostwritten. Rumors began to swirl shortly after a book signing during which Kneser lamented that the writing in certain sections seemed "lifeless."

Those words did not sit well with Red Cap Boy, believed to be the writer and head ghost authority.

"Normally, we ghosts don't like to say boo," Red Cap Boy said, his face turning more and more off-white as his anger began to mount. "We prefer to lurk in the shadows, not cause too much of a ruckus. Maybe a screech here, a dropped book there. If little girl Hill-Kitt ghost wants to jam out a little on the piano, so be it. But we have to wake up and take a stand. Lifeless writing? C'mon, I was an English major back when Professor Buckstead was still alive and teaching."

Upon being notified that Professor Buckstead was still alive, Red Cap Boy needed a minute to decompose himself.

Kneser dismissed the rumors as "supernatural hogwash," claiming that it was a pure money grab, plain and simple.

"I mean really, what does a ghost need money for anyway? Are reruns of ‘Casper' sold out? Fly through a darn door, be creative, improvise a little," he said.

When asked if he feared possible retribution, Kneser merely shrugged.

"This isn't the most intimidating collection of supernaturals," Kneser said. "There aren't any Boogeyman-type characters in this lot. What are they gonna do, throw a hat on me, skip down the hall and turn on all of my faucets? Hah! I say bring it on!"

Judge Donna Hunter agreed to hear the case and opted to fine both parties, with proceeds going to the making of Ghostbusters 3 that will begin filming on campus in the fall of 2010. After the filming, all items featured in the film will be auctioned off to raise money for the college.

The book was released on Halloween 2009, further angering the ghost community.

"That was another slap through the face," the Woman in the White Dress said. "Let us have our one day to scare people. We will be avenged."

"Editor's note: this article appeared in the April 30, 2010 satire issue of the Messenger."