Jurassic Dorm

St Olaf's residence hall pet policy is severely limiting. At the moment, my choices for pets include fish and more fish. The main functions of a pet are companionship and protection; fish don't really fulfill either. I need a pet that is practical and unforgettable, which is why I think St. Olaf should extend its pet policy to include dinosaurs.

Let's be reasonable here. I'm not talking about having giant Sauropods like an Apatosaurus living in a dorm room. I am also not advocating obtaining a giant, vicious carnivore such as the mighty T-Rex. I'm talking more along the lines of Velociraptors, Pterodactyls and Stegosauruses. You know, the owner-friendly dinosaurs.

The benefits of having a pet dinosaur are many. Dinosaurs are helpful and would contribute to the St. Olaf community.

Since dinosaurs don't have fur, they are the ultimate pet to have if you have allergies. People who are allergic to adorable furry animals need a more charismatic pet than a fish to love. I know I simply can't resist the look a Pterodactyl gives you right before it carries off a squirrel.

Dinosaurs also provide a great source of protection. If an intruder breaks into your dorm room, what will your goldfish do about it? Absolutely nothing. What will your pet Velociraptor do? An intruder will regret breaking into your room because Velly will feast upon his flesh! Campus crime problems solved.

College students can easily care for dinosaurs. As long as you keep them well fed, you don't need to worry about them turning on you.

Another benefit to having dinosaurs as pets is that most of them can double as an alternative mode of transportation. Riding a raptor would be a fast and furious way to get to class on time. If you are an inexperienced dinosaur owner and the raptor's beady eyes and menacing claws and teeth make you slightly uncomfortable, the even-tempered Gallimimus would get you to class in an equally timely fashion. Personally, I would ride in style on the classy Parasaurolophus.

I hope St. Olaf will take my arguments seriously and consider revising their pet policy to include dinosaurs. After a long day,  I'll smile as my dinosaur preciously sleeps on my bed that it playfully tore up and claimed as its own. That, my friends, is a perfect life.

Alyssa Mueller ‘13 (muelleaa@stolaf.edu) is from Rochester, Minn. Her major is currently undecided.

"Editor's note: this article appeared in the April 30, 2010 satire issue of the Messenger."