In response to the article, “Ambiguous relationships defy dating norms,” from the Oct. 9 issue of the Manitou Messenger, we would like to provide a clear definition of an open relationship in order to clarify how and why such a relationship can be fulfilling and beneficial for some people. When defining, it is important to consider both parts of the term – “open” and “relationship.” Without considering these individually a definition of an open relationship would be incomplete.
Firstly: a relationship. We as a culture define a relationship as a bond of mutual trust, communication, commitment and friendship with another person – emotional connection and investment is implied here.
And openness: Merriam-Webster offers a number of definitions, but the most applicable are provided here: “completely free from concealment,” “ready accessibility and usually generous attitude” and “accessible to the influx of new factors.”
Like a monogamous relationship, an open relationship must include all of the aforementioned factors, especially trust, commitment and communication. A couple who wish to enter into an open relationship must first develop a stable and healthy relationship. Once this has been achieved, the couple can mutually decide to branch out, but starting slowly to test the waters is always advisable. The couple must agree on a set of rules that works for the two of them. These rules vary from relationship to relationship, but generally establish some basic guidelines.
In any open relationship, be selective about who you invite into the relationship, avoid people who may cause problems and seek approval of possible partners. It is equally important to define the boundaries of outside relationships: Is sex okay? Flirting? Emotional connection outside of the core relationship? Communication is really the key to making open relationships work. Constantly checking in with your partner to make sure the situation is still acceptable is a must, as are respecting your partner’s opinions and knowing when to end a relationship if someone involved feels uncomfortable or hurt.
If a relationship does not correspond to these guidelines, it is not an open relationship. Simply sleeping with multiple people does not constitute an open relationship. In a sex buddy scenario there is no mutual development, and little commitment or communication. Often in these cases feelings get hurt. Additionally, having more than one boyfriend or girlfriend does not constitute an open relationship. This is defined as polyamory and it does not involve one core relationship as an open relationship requires.
It is also possible to be involved in an open relationship, but to not be in the core relationship. In this situation one must first know that one is involved in an open relationship and be aware of the boundaries. One must understand the implications of being an “outlier.” This means protection should always be used and one should understand that they may not be first in the attentions of the other.
Being open in a relationship provides one with a chance to solidify one’s core relationship. It provides the opportunity to gain more experience as a person, to grow and learn. Indeed, a couple in an open relationship is often stronger than the average monogamous relationship. An open relationship also provides one with a support network that can help one avoid, if not do away with altogether, many of the issues associated with monogamous relationships: violence, adultery, dissatisfaction, loss of passion and interest and divorce.
In short, an open relationship can keep things interesting and helps one grow as a human being. In no way are we saying that an open relationship is right for everyone, we just want to clarify that it is an option and a valid one. Being open in a relationship is not about being a “hippie” or being uncommitted and unrestricted. Rather, being in an open relationship is about being trusting and trustworthy, communicative and, most of all, loving.
- Jennifer Kanz ‘10 (kanz@stolaf.edu) and Timothy Otte ‘10 (otte@stolaf.edu)
Letter to the Editor
Open relationships possible
Published: Friday, October 16, 2009
Updated: Friday, October 16, 2009 11:10
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