This article is about alcohol: don’t read it!

I'm hoping that this headline succeeded in keeping the powers that be from reading this article too closely because, let's face it, no one wants to read another opinion about alcohol. This was just the only way I could see to get this article into print.

Something strange has been going on at the Mess office. Over the course of the year, I've noticed articles about BORSC and Honor Council disappear from the Mess whiteboard with no explanation, almost as if someone were trying to keep something out of the papers.

Then at a writers' meeting, something happened that made me connect the dots. Managing Editor Cody Venzke ‘10 took over the meeting because Executive Editor Eric Anderson ‘10 "couldn't make it." When pressed, Venzke couldn't provide specifics as to Anderson's location. This happened on several other occasions, and I couldn't help but wonder what stories were being kept out of print.

It was clear to me that Venzke had an iron fist around St. Olaf's print media. Something had to be done.

I took my case to St. Olaf's Honor Council, only to discover with shock that Honor Council was run by none other than Venzke himself. I stammered something about blue books and got out of there as fast as I could.

This was getting bad. Not only was Venzke using the paper unethically, he was in charge of the organization that dealt with ethical issues on campus. But I still had one recourse: I could go over Venzke's head to the people who are really in charge of the school: the Board of Regents. Surely they would be able to help me.

But I found out that the Regents aren't exactly the most accessible people in the world. Luckily, there is a student organization to communicate student interests to the Regents, BORSC. Sure I was finally going to bring him down, I sent an e-mail to the BORSC alias to set up a meeting, only to get a reply from BORSC coordinator Cody Venzke.

So what is Venzke's end game? I don't know, but he controls every organization of import on campus; if not in name, then in effect. I'm sure SGA President Taylor Brorby is little more than a pretty face with Venzke behind the curtain pulling the strings. Whatever he is out to do, I'm sure it is the most malevolent treachery St. Olaf will have ever witnessed.

Now I know what you're thinking: What's the big deal? Venzke will be graduating next month, and his reign of terror will end. But can you be so sure? Do you really think such an evil mastermind would relinquish the stranglehold he has on St. Olaf, even when he graduates? Don't you think it's strange that SGA President-elect Kim Spitzfaden ‘11 ran unopposed?

Venzke will be as much a presence on campus next year as he is now. I've done what I can, St. Olaf, and now it's up to you. Rise up and overthrow this dictator before he destroys the very fabric of what we are (and before he silences me).

Ethan *ied***n ‘13 (hiedeman@stolaf.edu) doesn't want to tell you he is from Hastings, Minn. He majors in political espionage.

"Editor's note: this article appeared in the April 30, 2010 satire issue of the Messenger."