Inside the lines

I spent many long minutes debating what to write about in my final article for this esteemed newspaper. Eventually, midway through my Tuesday 8:00 a.m. class, I decided to follow the tried-and-true philosophy of disparaging the brainless among professional athletes. As a special graduation bonus, I'm going to pretend I was a good (or dedicated) enough student to apply for distinction and base them all on great English literature as my pseudo-capstone project. So, without further ado, I present for one last time, "The Slackers."

The "Rime of the Ancient Mariner" Award

Leading off the ceremony is none other than Cliff Lee, whose agent proclaimed – after the lefthander was finally healthy enough to make a start – that Lee would not attempt to negotiate a contract extension before the season's end so that he could enter the untested free agent waters. Lee is currently pitching in one of the most spacious ballparks in the league, with an elite defense behind him, in a mediocre division. Just as Johan Santana, Mike Hampton and Kevin Brown before him found out, this Seattle Mariner may discover that a big contract can mean "money, money everywhere, but not a championship to drink."

The "That's not quite what Thoreau had in mind" Award

Marching to the beat of your own drummer while still being a productive member of society can be tough to pull off. Henry David Thoreau knew a thing or two about it, so maybe erstwhile quarterback and former Super Bowl MVP "Big" Ben Roethlisberger should follow his lead. Like this: going to a college campus to get away from the paparazzi and live deliberately? That's good. Going to a college campus so that your bodyguard can distract an inebriated girl's friends while you sneak her into a back room? Not so much. 

The "Scarlet Letter" Award

Lucky for Tiger, Big Ben isn't married, otherwise this could have been a real horse race. I was tempted to give it to Shaq, who hooked up with a teammate's wife without seemingly garnering any attention, but in the end, Tiger usually comes out on top. 

The "She should not have taken the Road not Taken" Award

How dare Lorena Ochoa? She's been the top-ranked female golfer in the world for the past 158 weeks, but Ochoa packed away her clubs at the age of 28. Many have lauded her for wanting to do more than just golf, but now the only LPGA player I and probably most casual fans know on the tour is a bratty teenager from Hawaii. 

The "Bartleby the Scrivener" Award

Oh Dayton Moore. Everyone thought you were some kind of wunderkind when you were hired to be on the Kansas City Royals in 2006, someone who could restore pride in this floundering organization. But, you have assembled a bullpen with a very distinct Bartleby-like "I would prefer not to" mentality when it comes to protecting leads, including those of winless Cy Young award winner Zack Greinke. Seven blown saves per month isn't quite going to get it done.  

Many thanks to the wonderful readers I have had the pleasure to write for these past two years and the many athletes doing ridiculous things that have made it possible. You made me look good (by comparison). I may not have been able to savage you all, but you at least kept this column from becoming my white whale.