Ryan Howard plucks Phillie Phanatic after Kucher reveals Amaro’s $125 million joke

Philadelphia Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard showed up to Citizens Bank Ballpark Tuesday morning expecting to sign a landmark five  year, $125 million contract, only to find the television crew of Ashton Kucher's "Punk'd."

Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro  hoped to keep the secret until the show's scheduled Friday air date, but was forced to spoil the joke after a mob of about 13,000 angry fans threatened to pillage all who stood in their path, save Roy Halladay and Chase Utley.

"I am dumb, but I'm not that dumb," Amaro said. "Just because I traded away Cliff Lee and threw away a chance at winning the next five National League pennants doesn't mean I'm going to give a balky guy who is going to be 32 and on the downside of his career that kind of deal."

Howard, for some reason, did not take kindly to the news, dubbing himself the "next Albert Pujols," apparently not realizing that Pujols is in fact younger than him, and good. Howard argued that his RBI total was reason enough for the deal and that stat geeks who disagree "can go sabermetriciate themselves."

Team mascot Phillie Phanatic made the mistake of getting in the way of Howard's meatball sub after the staged press conference and was subsequently defeathered one by one.

"Editor's note: this article appeared in the April 30, 2010 satire issue of the Messenger."