Student seen reading Sports section bewilders the masses in Fireside

Every Thursday afternoon, the Manitou Messenger graces the newspaper stands in Buntrock and students flock to read the latest news. After looking at the beautiful color pages that are News and Features, students will usually lose interest, occasionally flipping to Opinions to see if they know the students in Mess Asks. However, last week, students gathered in Fireside in awe as one sole senior read the Sports section. His name is Pat Slack.

"Yeah, it's the only section I read every week," Slack said. "I think the Opinions section is too whiny, and Arts & Entertainment has no substance – much like the art in the art building."

Slack said he is not a big fan of News and Features either.

One of the spectators, Joey Waples ‘11, was shocked to see Slack sitting in Fireside reading the sports section.

"Only the alumni athletes read that," Waples said. "And they probably only read the online version, if that. No normal student would actually read the Sports section."

Waples, a wrestler himself, still does not read the Sports section.

Another student, track and field star John Schantzen '10, heard the rumors about Slack.

"I don't know how many times I've been featured in the sports section, and I don't even read it," Schantzen exclaimed. "Well, I stopped counting after 10 because I ran out of fingers."

Tennis coach Scott Nesbit was impressed by Slack's diligence.

"Honestly, I'm surprised. Every now and then, I'll peruse the section, but never really take the time to read it," Nesbit said. "But good for him. He's a special student."

When asked why he reads the Sports section, Slack responded, "I read it because I haven't read it enough times after writing all the articles myself and editing them several times."

"Editor's note: this article appeared in the April 30, 2010 satire issue of the Messenger."