I am Loki. I am that gum you swallowed four years ago that still hasn’t been completely digested. Even though that may be an urban legend, I am not. I am that gum. I sit in your stomach, getting an inside look at your entire life. Don’t question me or I’ll make you constipated when you try to flush me out.
Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Eat one old piece of Halloween candy for every time you’ve been heartbroken. If you puke, then you will find love this week. If you don’t, Loki will metaphorically tear you heart out, you lucky little ducky.
Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
You will befriend the campus dog. And by dog, I mean the fat squirrel that is still running around campus. And by befriend I mean devour because you live in Hilleboe and don’t want to trek all the way to the Caf in this weather.
Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
You will attempt to grow a mustache for Movember, but will quickly be apprehended by Pub Safe once you take two steps outside of your door because you’re holding a bag of leftover Halloween candy and look like a pervy gremlin with that patchy lip rug.
Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
You will start playing Christmas music this week but will stop once the Halloween Ole the Lion slaps you with a F in your easiest class for taking attention away from him. Oh, you didn’t read “‘Twas the Night Before Halloween” in the issue from a few weeks ago? Loki suggests you read the Variety section every week or Loki will slap you with more than a F.
Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20
You will wish for more snow. Loki does not like snow, so Loki will make you audibly fart in class. Conversely, you will resent the snow once it arrives. Loki doesn’t like people who don’t appreciate what life brings their way, so Loki will make you sweat profusely in class. Seems like a lose-lose to Loki.
Aries March 21 – April 19
You will fail to get into two of the classes you want for next semester. You will then wake up from that nightmare to realize you’re a second semester senior who can’t get into three of the classes you want for next semester. Happy registration!
Taurus April 20 – May 20
You’ve been harboring Caf mugs. Loki knows. Now, return the mugs and make a few nifty holiday cups with the newly fallen snow as replacements. If you don’t, Loki will make snow mugs for you and then proceed to force you to eat sixteen of them, you cold-hearted monster.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
You will download Yik Yak to see what all the hype is about. If you’re a first year, you’ll undoubtly revel in the anonomous fun. If you’re older than that, you will read the Yaks and then yak all over a yak. Don’t own a yak? Buy one. Trust Loki, it’s worth it to make a point.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
This week you will put snow down your pants in order to calm the literal fire that started when you saw your crush.
Leo July 23 – Aug. 22
Praise a Pause Pizza. Set it on a pedestal and praise it. If someone tells you to stop, look them in their eyes and say “pause…pizza time” and then MC Hammer dance away.
Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Only partially read your emails this week. If you only partially read this horoscope, Pub Safe now has the right to come into your room and blare “Friday,” by Rebecca Black, on a Tuesday, in order to wake you up. Also Pause Dances will now be held in the neverending rabbit hole located in Carleton’s arboretum.
Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
Smile at Nick Stumo-Langer ’15 the next time you see him or else you will turn to stone.