I am Loki. I am the turkey hangover that plagues you for three straight days after Thanksgiving. I know you inside and out, and will shed some light on your upcoming week.
Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Go without caffeine for a week. Ha. Even Loki can joke.
Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
You will feel sad about the weather. To combat this, harness the power of the sun Doc Ock style. Just watch out for those friendly, neighborhood, radioactive spiders.
Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
You will feel sick this week. So do something sick. Maybe even do something sick nasty. Something so sick it makes other people sick. The only way to fight fire is with fire.
Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Remember hand turkeys? You will turn these in for every assignment this week and you will be rewarded with a failing grade.
Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20
Get ready for Black Friday. Treat the Home line food like a prized electronic device on Black Friday and start a riot for it. You will not succeed in your preparation unless you scald two people with hot gravy.
Aries March 21 – April 19
Prepare yourself for cheek pinching at Thanksgiving. Lie face down in the snow for three hours.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
You’ll begin to worry about your family silently judging you for being single at Thanksgiving. So pull a That’s So Raven and dress as your own significant other. Then eat an entire apple pie and throw up on the dinner table so that your family will appreciate single you even more.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
Your professors will fail to understand the “break” part of Thanksgiving break. Write them an “excused from class” note and forge Loki’s signature. They won’t believe the note but they will question your stress level and will reduce your work load accordingly.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
You’ll procrastinate, but do not worry. To compensate, you’ll burn the midnight oil. Meaning, you’ll burn the oil in your unshowered hair in a fit of stress. Remember, though, no matter what happens, you’re strong, beautiful and hot. Like sexy hot and like on-fire hot.
Leo July 23 – Aug. 22
Resist the urge to purge. Release your hate and then constipate. Your blocked up bowels will save you time. Now that’s prime.
Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
You’ll start worrying about finals. Take a step back and realize that, in the big picture, your finals are relatively insignifcant. In fact, you’ll remember that we’re all just specks on this giant blue and green ball and once your fleck gets swept away, you have only the unkown to look forward to. Then, once you finish your quarter-life crisis, you’ll cuddle up and watch Netflix until Thanksgiving.
Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
Be thankful. Remember what Thanksgiving is all about and tell those close to you that you are thankful for them.