Bow down before me, mortals. Ye know not the power of Loki. I am in the trees. I am in the wind. If you say something stupid, I will hear of it. If you drop your food in the middle of the Caf, I will know of it.
Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
After receiving rave reviews about your sexy bumblebee costume, you will proceed to wear it every day for the next month, after which you will be known as “that one guy” until you graduate.
Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
You should probably do your laundry. It’s been four weeks, and although you’ve changed your underwear every day, we can all smell you. Loki speaks for the administration when he says that you smell worse than a Frost Giant.
Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
You will watch Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas even though it is the week after Halloween and you will love it.
Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
You will finally trade your outdated One Direction posters for some hip Five Seconds of Summer swag.
Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20
The first time you were told to “drop the bass,” you got grounded for throwing dinner on the floor. So if you drop it again, make sure to do it in the Caf; you may get applause.
Aries March 21 – April 19
You will finally convince your grandma that “tur-duck-en” is an exotic, multilayered Thanksgiving dish, rather than a former Soviet Bloc state.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
You will decipher the well-kept secret that no one actually likes music kids. Not the professors, not the other students, not even their parents.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
You will start your own band! You just need to think of a cool band name, like Pincushion Rebellion or Stop the Broccoli. Most of these names will be anchored in self-evident truths.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
You will spend the next week raking together the dopest leaf pile of all time. It’s going to be great – until an escaped convict opportunely uses it for cushioning after jumping from the top of Larson tower to escape the Feds.
Leo July 23 – Aug. 22
When you die, you will be buried inside a Gucci store.
Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
After you realize you’re very late to jump on the Kony 2012 movement, you will open up your own chain of delicious frozen fruit-sicle stands.
Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
Loki sees in your future a date. It involves asking that special someone out to a drink at the Cow. You know, that handsome blonde dude with the luscious hair. Loki will see you at 9.