I, Loki the Great, will use my soothsaying powers to anticipate a relatively painless midterm season for all the students and faculty of the College.
Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
High-five the next person you see. No, actually. Do it. Seriously, this is not a request. Do it or I will find you and force feed you an entire issue of the Manitou Messenger. Literally. I will force you to consume it intellectually and then physically.
Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Your mind will be blown when you suddenly realize that the lyrics to Weird Al’s “White and Nerdy” apply to 85 percent of the student body.
Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
Ring-by-spring does not apply to freshmen. So find an attractive upperclassman, ask her or him out by putting a note in her or his PO box and then follow her or him around the next Pause dance. If that doesn’t work, try sitting in the broomball rink with a sign that says “free kisses.”
Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
You will realize the importance of eating your bag lunch inside when a squirrel steals your turkey on multigrain – no cheese.
Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Stay safe at those U of M parties over the weekend, lest you give St. Olaf students a worse reputation than they already have.
Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20
Stay safe and don’t eat too much cheese at your esoteric, black-tie parties at the U of M this weekend, lest you give St. Olaf professors a worse reputation than they already have.
Aries March 21 – April 19
Good karma is hot this week. Tell your favorite custodial workers just how beautiful they are. Maybe even give them a gift-card to their favorite eatery.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Lime green is the new black.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
You will fail to break your breakfast routine for the fifth straight week. Maybe it’s time to top your cheesy eggs with picante sauce. Spice up your life!
Cancer June 21 – July 22
You’ll discover that, in order to reconnect to your Italian heritage, you should clench your thumb and middle finger together while shaking your wrist and repeating “La-sagn-a” over and over again.
Leo July 23 – Aug. 22
You will meet the love of your life in Regents when you both exit lab with hideous goggle marks.
Virgo Aug. – Sept. 22
October is the month of philanthropy. Treat your favorite Mess writers to a Dessert After Dark from the Cage. Loki prefers the apple crisp à la mode.