I, Loki the Great, the ultimate authority on all things clairvoyant, do hereby declare this week to be Party Week. Midterms are over. Let the faculty and righteous scholars of the campus despair!
Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
In order to reinvigorate your sex life, you will role-play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. First, you have to find a few radiated turtles and an old rat. Good luck!
Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
Erik Gartland ’15 is swagadocious. If you see him, ask him to “Cat Daddy” for you. Loki deems it to be lucky.
Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
President David R. Anderson ’74 loves colorful fall leaves. Find a beautiful leaf and give it to him! Don’t forget to take a picture and send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
You have eaten the eye of Odin and been bestowed his endless wisdom. Now use it and stop going to Triplex.
Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20
You will see your ex while walking through the quad. It will be beautiful and sunny and you will walk right past her/him. You will attempt to greet your ex, only to have your throat close up at the last possible second. He/she will then avert his/her eyes to the ground. It will be awkward.
Aries March 21 – April 19
After mistaking your sister’s Zoloft for your vitamins, you will come to the conclusion that life is fantastic and that we’re all part of the same cosmic ball of energy.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Pizza bagels are the way forward!
Gemini May 21 – June 20
After shadowing the Norwegian mafia on-campus, you will finally meet the illustrious Cod-father. Be sure to pay your respects and don’t get too cheeky, lest he have you turned into Christmasfest lutefisk.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
If you put on a blazer, you better be ready to wear a tie. Who do you think you are, Robert Downey Jr.?
Leo July 23 – Aug. 22
Yeah, those textbooks have been heavy, but it’ll pay off when you are ceremoniously offered the position of first-string quarterback for the St. Olaf football team.
Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Who let the dogs out? You did. That’s not good. There are literally hundreds of rabid hounds swarming around Dundas. See you in court, Virgo.
Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
October is the month of philanthropy. Treat your favorite Mess writers to a bag of Funyuns. Loki has the munchies.