Horoscopes: September 26, 2014

I, Loki the Great, will use my predictive talents for the benefit of the students of St. Olaf, so that they may all ace P-Chem and win the Ultimate Frisbee B- team championships results may vary.

Aries

Today is your lucky day. No joke. See that guy, that hot son-of-a-biscuit over there? No, the blonde one, with the well-toned physique! Time for a Caf date. Or better yet, he really digs sushi. Go for it.

Libra

Best not go to class today. Actually, there’s a bottle of white Zin at the Ole Store with your name on it. Find a friend, dish, pig out on some ice cream; but, for the love of Thor, don’t even crack open a textbook.

Taurus

My soothsaying powers tell me you are musically talented, but too much so for any of these bum institutions on campus. Instead, try the DJ club. That mash-up of Skrillex and Lil Jon you’ve always wanted to make? The world is ready. Explore your creative powers.

Scorpio

Your future husband or wife Loki doesn’t judge will be at Triplex this weekend.

Gemini

Ask your parents if you were adopted. Loki is pretty sure it’s not a coincidence that you’re the only ginger in your family.

Sagittarius

Let’s face it. You weren’t cut out to be music perfor- mance and pre-med. It’s time to choose. You haven’t been a freshman for quite some time. Drop the pre- tentions and grab a beer at The Cow.

Cancer

Loki warns you to stay away from the grains line for the week. They are serving tempeh. It may say “veg- etable” bake, but it’s really tempeh. Loki believes you should wait until the week after to go vegan.

Capricorn

Your future is hazy. Better off grabbing a magic 8 ball.

Leo

Today shines brighter than Helios’ chariot. Time to go make some new friends. Go sit at the cross-coun- try table. They’ll appreciate the gesture.

Aquarius

Switch up your routine! Switch class schedules with a friend of your choosing. Dance major? No prob- lem; you can totally b.s. that bio seminar. Plus, Loki believes they’re dissecting a penguin. What could be “cooler?”

Virgo

Contrary to your zodiac symbol, you are no virgin.

Your parents have called and told Loki that unless

you tone down your wiley ways, they will transfer you to Bethel – or worse, Wheaton. Loki suggests wearing turtlenecks and sweatpants this semester. What luck!

Pisces

October is the month of philanthropy. Loki suggests buying one of those nice Mess writers a cookie and a coffee. Do not get cream or sugar. Loki also would prefer the “St. Olaf Cookie.”

Stay tuned for more horoscopes every week curtesy of Loki, the all- knowing campus demi-god.

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