Welcome to horoscopes. These aren’t your parents’ horoscopes, which means I won’t sugarcoat things and simply tell you what’s going to happen to you. No, you have to work for everything in this world, horoscopes included. So check your rearview mirror because Loki is barreling down on you at 90 semi-psychotic words per second. Change lanes or take the exit ramp because these horoscopes will cause some major whiplash. Follow my instructions and your life will get, at best, weirder and at worst, more jaily. Giddy up.
Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20
Help a friend. Scare the dickens out of them, like seriously, exorcise Charles Dickens from their body. He’s a sneaky sneak with a mean ghostly streak. Compel him with the power of Christ before he puts your friend through an Ebenezer Scrouge-esque existential crisis. Now remember, The Christmas Carol was semi-autobiographical, so make sure to exorcise the past, present and future forms of Dicken’s ghost.
Aries March 21 – April 19
March is here, which means it’s time to spring clean your brain. Convince a good number of Oles to donate their wisdom teeth to you. Then grind up the wisdom teeth and form a paste-like substance with them. Then use this knowledge-filled paste as shampoo for the next week. The wisdom from these useless teeth will seep into your cranium, making you the smartest person on this campus. However, make sure the teeth come from good people or else you’ll use your newfound knowledge for evil instead of good.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
You and your classmates deserve a break from your hardest class. Don’t shampoo your hair for a week. During this time collect your dandruff in a large garbage bag. Collect it at least three times a day. Then, once you have a full bag of your dead head skin, go to your professor’s house and sprinkle the dandruff outside his bedroom window. He will wake up and think there is a blizzard, causing him to cancel class. Collect a small token of appreciation from everyone in your class. Then wash your hair.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
Loki can see those wrinkles already setting in. Reverse the aging process this week. Start doing things such as yakking and fleeking on things. Loki is too old to know what these things are, exactly, so for “yakking” just throw up on your campus crush. This makes the most sense. Loki can only assume fleek is a mixture between flammable and geek so go around and douse any and all geeks with a fire extinguisher. Burning geeks is one epidemic we can stop.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
It’s time for you to get a pet for your whole dorm or house. Unfortuantely, all the cool pets are not allowed in these places of residence. Therefore, it’s on you to get scale implants and become a loveable alligator. Turn to a diet of small reptiles and unsuspecting music majors. People will love you because they fear you.
Leo July 23 – Aug. 22
March Madness is right around the corner and this is your year to win your friend pool. Studying numbers and watching games is too easy and generic, so you need something bigger to give you the edge. Print out statistics on the 100 best teams in the country. Then melt them into sharp, papery contacts. Insert the contacts directly into your beady little eyeballs. You will be literally blinded by basketball knowledge. Everyone knows the best basketball oracles are blind so remember to tip Loki when you win that cool 50 bucks.
Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
HOLY CHICKEN NUGGETS KEVIN GARNETT HAS COME HOME! Stalk him, and collect his nail clippings, stray hairs and old gum. Make a shrine to him in your room, where you attempt to build a replica Kevin Garnett out of your collectings. Pray to his deformed and incomplete body every night and maybe just maybe the Timberwolves will actually win a game.
Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
Loki knows you’re bummed about the holiday lull. Find a way to tide yourself over until St. Patrick’s Day. Create a national holiday called “Iron Stomach Day.” This is where everyone gets the day off and instead has to fill up on 26 bag lunches and then run around the track until they yik yak everywhere.
Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
The theater department is looking for new talent. Now is your time to shine. Produce, write and star in the one person production titled My Life as a Residence Hall Door. Perform an interprative dance in the cafeteria demonstrating your displeasure with the oppression of being locked both physically and emotionally every day.
Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
It’s time to generate some buzz for yourself. Create a Buzzfeed quiz about how much people love you. Don’t give them a negative option on the quiz. If they refuse to take the quiz, then train a dog to slap them.
Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Bring more fun to your life. Create a hopscotch board by taping down hundreds of butterscotch candies to the sidewalks in the quad with scotch tape. However, you do run the risk of no one playing with you because everyone hates butterscotch.
Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Everyone has a Loki in their life. Treat them well this week.