An Emotional Male Response to the50 Shades of Grey Trialer
Steve: This is a huge moment for both Nick and me. We’ve both lived sheltered, safe lives amongst our Lutheran brethren, free of sin and corruption. That’s about to change. We’re about to embark on a journey together, through the 2:25 of devilish pleasure that is the 50 Shades of Grey official trailer.
Nick: That’s right, Steve. It’s time we caught up with the rest of the country, and put on the handcuffs. And since we would never stoop so low as to see this movie in theaters, I guess we’ll stick to the trailer speaking of trashy, let’s ignore the fact that the last movie I saw in theaters was Fast and Furious 6.
Steve: Mine was Guardians of the Galaxy. A true work of art.
Nick: Chris Pratt for president.
[The trailer begins]
Nick [0:10]: We’ve learned that she’s a journalist. I identify with the main character already. I wonder if she would write for the Mess?
Steve: It’s great to see that we’re going to finally see a film about an intellectual woman fighting her way through a patriarchal society. I’m sensing that this is going to be an empowering film for all the young women out there.
Steve [0:23]: Oh, we’re seeing an executive male standing by a big window behind a desk looking out the window at the big city. This is some brilliant and original cinematography right now. I just haven’t seen anything like this before.
Nick: And he’s dressed in gray. Subtle connection to the title there.
Steve [0:32]: “He’s polite, intense, smart and intimidating.” Sounds like a real gem of a guy. If there’s one thing I look for in a companion, it’s someone that I’m too scared to make eye contact with. What a catch.
Nick: I second that.
Nick [1:00]: “I exercise control in all things.” Direct quote from Christian Grey. Definitely a psychopath. Or a Pub Safe officer.
Steve: The music is scaring me a little. I vote psychopath.
Nick [1:10]: They’re making out in an elevator. Is this movie about sex? Based on the title, I imagined choosing paint swatches at Home Depot.
Steve [1:20]: Mr. Grey is so mysterious. One minute he’s creepily sitting by a piano, the next he’s chilling in a helicopter, and then he’s running through the park with his hoodie on. I still see no hint of a plot besides the fact that this guy is a pretty versatile, creepy male.
Nick [1:27]: “I don’t do romance.” And this was the country’s most popular Valentine’s Day movie?
Steve [1:35]: All he does is take his shirt off and say semi-threatening things. Wait, he’s in a helicopter again. This is so weird.
Steve [1:52]: Mr. Grey just unlocked a door. Now somebody is tied to a bed. I’m scared.
Nick [1:57]: Well…that was explicit.
Steve [2:07]: Oh, they used a Beyoncé song! That’s nice, isn’t it? Makes up for all the weird chains and whips shenanigans they had going on earlier.
Nick: First reaction: Is that fun for her? I think there’s something in the Geneva Convention against some of that stuff.
Steve: My main emotion is that I hate the world. Do you think that’s the reaction the producers were going for?
Nick: I’ll take a hard pass on this one.
Steve: I think I’ll just stick to Pixar movies.
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