Calling all bashful Oles! My name is Armand Stetson, the new Manitou Messenger astrologist. I really look forward to sharing my experience and interpretations of the zodiac signs. Let’s get started with today’s horoscopes!
ARIES Masked in the fruitful vigor of our times, you will go to the Dagobah System to “figure some sh*t out.” There you will discover the secret to butter (that butter is just warm bread, and bread is cold butter), and become ultrafierce.
TAURUS Mamma’s getting hungry. Go to your 8:00 a.m. with some cold milk and peppermint schnapps. Venus will be out of control this week (the absolute madman), so it’ll be best if you wear a bullhead all week to guarantee your eyes will be extra soulful. Your zorstal number for this week is 11, so don’t eat any salt.
GEMINI You’re going to write the first draft of that new TV pilot you’ve been working on. An homage to 90’s sitcoms, the story will incorporate wacky antics and plenty of rest. I have provided the logline: When an au pair stumbles into the Wichita Ritz Carlton, they discover they are assigned to the hotel’s reclusive concierge, who (in a shocking twist) is to take care of the au pair – but by helping each other they discover that business with no play will lead their lives astray.
CANCER You’re a little crab baby with little crabby hands and little crabby eyes. You crab around up and down the stairs. When you’re not crabbing around your head turns into the moon, sending you up into the sky so everyone can see how beautiful you are. The cold will not affect your family, but throw some butter (warm bread) onto your ears to make sure they stay strong and well fed.
LEO After coming out of your cage, you appear to be doing just fine. You’re going to find your crush this week. They’ll notice you if, and only if, you cover your belly in crab juice (kill the Cancer above), then show off that fine stomach of yours. They’ll be on their knees asking you to read them the Lord’s Prayer in seconds. Your aura is purple this week, because why the hell not?
VIRGO Oh my gosh, who cares that Brad is going to the mall with Tamara. You are extraordinary this week and Tamara has nothing on that. The sun is trying to bring you down, but you say, “hey sun, get outta here!” and it will all be okay. Tickle someone new today, but be sure that it isn’t a bear. Bears do not like to be tickled and you should never try to tickle a bear. I mean honestly, why would you even try that, and where would you find a bear? Not assuming that you can’t find a bear, but do you really want to do that today? Go to the movies, go have some fun! Badda bing, badda boom!
LIBRA Today, you’re going to finally declare yourself a FILM STUDIES CONCENTRATOR. With this concentration you now have the authority to bring up niche and unrelated films in your classes! Isn’t this just wonderful? Isn’t this what college was made for?
SCORPIO The celestial bear has truncated your week. But don’t fear. These three tips will make it better. 1. Be most bashful. 2. Lay off the turkey burgers. 3. Mark, It’s Jenny. I’m sorry about last month, I’m trying to do better. I left some ham in the refrigerator. It’s not for you, but I thought I’d let you know. If we can just hang on for these next few days it’ll all be okay.
SAGITTARIUS You’ve got a killer vibe today, dude. Everyone is going to be like “weird flex, but okay.” Your professor is going to ask you to call them by their first name since you’re so rad. President David Anderson ’74 is going to get your name as a neck tattoo (stick and poke, obviously). The GE Task Force is going to recommend that you’re the only education they need. God is literally going to come down and give you some butter. You rock Sagittarius, keep doing you.
CAPRICORN You’re going to spend the entire day imagining Bernie Sanders with Nipple Tassles (not like with them with them, they’re not dating or anything), and you’re going to love every minute of it.
AQUARIUS After spending the night writing your steamy Michael Myers (“Halloween series”) and Mike Myers (actor) erotic fan-fiction, you’re left with a sense of loneliness. But fear not! You will be visited by a band of paisley pandas who will take you to Candytop Mountain! There you will meet Lady Pargon and her viscous band of albino tigers. They will take you to a screening of “Bohemian Rhapsody” with director commentary and much, much more.
PISCES With Neptune passing over the sun you’re given some serious creative energy. With it you replace Steensland with a lazy river, take down Old Main and replace it with New Main and make a breadstick pyramid in the Caf. You will then sleep for 1,000 years, waking up to Walt Disney in an estranged relationship with Matt Damon.
Looking to connect your aura with Armand’s? They can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.