Home SatireNews Reworking of alcohol policy accidentally bans all liquids on campus

Reworking of alcohol policy accidentally bans all liquids on campus

By Mallory Lindahl Stone-Cold Sober

The Board of Regents has been discussing a reworking of St. Olaf’s “dry campus” alcohol policy for quite some time. In an attempt to modify the already strict approach to alcoholic beverages, the board implemented a new plan that presented the student body with some sobering news: not only is alcohol banned on campus, but all liquids are now prohibited on St. Olaf property.

This accidental ban was put into place earlier this week, and the students are already feeling its devastating effects. That one guy at the caf can no longer hoard 3-5 cups on his tray because Bon Appetit removed the water and soda machines. The hockey teams and figure skating club are protesting the removal of the ice rink, with President David Anderson commenting, “Ice is technically a liquid. Send ice away!” At this moment, we are not sure when ice will be home again.

With no liquids available on campus, students have resolved to drink the rainwater that gathers in the patches of grass by CHM and Boe Chapel. The removal of access to showers has dubbed the student body the “Odoriferous Oles.” The swim team has turned into a book club. Dozens of funerals for pet fish have been held on the quad.
However, not every student had a completely negative reaction. Emilie Hapgood ’21 commented, “Honestly, it’s kind of nice to not have my eardrums ruptured by the sound of someone dropping their hydroflask.”

Benny Goetting ’20 said, “My skin may feel like sandpaper, but dying of dehydration makes applying for grad schools a lot less stressful.”

The Board of Regents has not yet announced if they will begin re-modifying the ban. When we reached out for comment, we simply received an email explaining that they are tackling more pressing problems on campus such as slowing down the Mohn elevators, as they have been much too efficient lately.

Hopefully St. Olaf will be reintroduced to liquids in the near future. Even the humor is getting dry.

linda2@stolaf.edu