Author: Loki the Great

Horoscopes: May 1, 2015

Fee-fi-fo-yum. Get ready to hobble and gobble your way through this tiny leprechaun’s refuse. Is there a pot of gold at the end of this black and white rainbow? Um, think again. There is a pot, but it leads to the deepest darkest part of Narnia. The part good ol’ C.S. couldn’t publish without getting an NC-17 rating. You can fight your way out, but you’ll never be able to shake the feeling that you’re cursed. See you on the other side. The other side of the pillow. Wake up; you’re dreaming.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

There’s nothing more sexy than a dolled-up big toe. That spring air has got your big toe’s derrière saying, “I wish I had more hair.” Grant thy toe’s request. Place the sickest wig on your toe’s head before it takes control of your body. Then draw an incredibly creepy smile on its toenail. A smile so creepy it makes even the Joker say, “please sir, may I not have some more?” Everyone will be oddly attracted to only your toe. At least it’s a step in the right direction. Get it? Toe, step.

Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20

Like penguins? Like digging holes with penguins? Great! Well, now’s your chance. Reenact the entire movie Holes using penguins instead of people. The second you scream out that horribly out-of-tune “that’s a wrap,” the penguins will accept you as their own. Now you’ll be as jazzy as Happy Feet, as funny as Madagascar and as loveable as Tobey Maguire’s mom if she were a penguin. You’ve made the big time.

Aries March 21 – April 19

Loki can tell that you’re onto something big. Finalize your plans for a new invention and enter it in Ole Cup. Bring that very undercooked loaf of meat in front of the judges and start plowing through that stank bomb until the judges award you first prize just so you’ll, “for the love of God, stop.” When you’ve fully recovered from a raw-meat-induced hospital visit, people will try to tell you that meatloaf has already been invented. This is unacceptable. Make a waffle out of lint and hair and make all the haters eat it by switching out their morning waffle for your abomination. Now called Loaf of Meat patent pending will sweep the nation.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

We’re headed to a world of extreme technological takeover. Time to turn your brain into one big barcode. Read the book Brain Surgery for Dummies and take a sharpie to your mushy pink mass. Then go to Walmart and scan your wee little brain to see in you can get a discount. Life pro tip: sell your brain high and then buy it back low. Woah.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Many despise lice, but they are a wonderful commodity. Rub your head against every door, door knob and door hinge on campus until you get lice. Once you obtain those obiedient little fools, you can implement your vision of world domination. Refuse to cleanse yourself of these so-called “pests.” Once you have the number of lice on your head up into the thousands, use them as your minions. Have them infect every surface known to man, but not before literally buying all the lice removal products in the world. Once everybody has lice, you can leverage whatever you want out of “the man.” If they refuse your demands, they’ll be sleeping with the lices, if you know what I mean.

Leo July 23 – Aug. 22

Y’all remember the campus chupacabra named “Ol’ Man Dogbeast?” No? That’s what Loki thought, because the school covered up its perfectly executed plan that killed the bloodsucking folklore legend. Ol’ Man Dogbeast was the sweetest, most murderous little buddy. It’s up to you to bring this campus favorite back. Open up your soul to the devil himself, and the rest will work itself out.

Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

No summer plans? Find yourself a cougar. I’m not talking about a seductive older woman, no, I’m talking aboout the beast itself. Wade into that golden Natural Lands bush and stalk yourself a cougar. That’s right there is a pride of cougars in the Natural Lands. Is it pride? Bunch? Buncho? Muncho? Mancho? Womeno gender equality? Nacho? There is a nacho of cougars in the Natural Lands.

Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Make a difference in the world. Seriously, for once in your godforsaken life, make a difference. Remember that one time you didn’t hold the door for that person even though everyone knows you probably should have but you didn’t because you were so stressed and honestly believed your time was more valuable? You owe karma this one. Perform your favorite yoga position, upward facing dog, while fusing two microscopic bikes together in order to make a sweet tandem ant-bike. It’s different. Do you get it? It’s a difference because it’s something different. It doesn’t make sense but that’s the point. It’s different. Deal with it.

Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

It’s finally nice out. Time to break out that birthday suit and get that glorious tan while getting exercise. Go on a run around campus. Slowly people will join in and, before you know it, St. Olaf will become a nudist colony. The government will be so surprised, they’ll give the school a ton of funding. Pocket that money for yourself in your skin pocket that you made on your thigh because you don’t wear clothes anymore, remember?

Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Give back to the community. Eat dinner with an elderly person who can’t hear that well and a total bro who can’t stop saying “sup.” The bro will continually say “sup,” and the elderly person will continually say “yes, this is supper. How are you doing, young man?” The process is self-perpetuating. You’re bridging age gaps.

Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Snap, crackle, stop. Why did you think it was a good idea to snap every bone in your body and crackle every paper on campus? Go flatten every piece of paper back out and don’t even think about getting a cast. This is punishment, not therapy.

Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

The seniors shouldn’t be allowed to graduate. They all broke the honor code by collectively dreaming about cheating on their finals. Don’t ask how Loki knows this, just know that Loki watches all your dreams like a crow watches a person with a half-eaten chicken Chipotle burrito with mild salsa but no guacamole because the person forgot that extra $20 bill their parents gave them for their birthday in the car. However, the honor council will never believe you, so take matters into your own hands by making hands out of everyone’s caps and gowns and then slapping all the seniors with their own gown hands. Justice served.

× Featured

Oles win nine straight, claim first round bye

Horoscopes: March 6, 2015

Welcome to horoscopes. These aren’t your parents’ horoscopes, which means I won’t sugarcoat things and simply tell you what’s going to happen to you. No, you have to work for everything in this world, horoscopes included. So check your rearview mirror because Loki is barreling down on you at 90 semi-psychotic words per second. Change lanes or take the exit ramp because these horoscopes will cause some major whiplash. Follow my instructions and your life will get, at best, weirder and at worst, more jaily. Giddy up.

Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20

Help a friend. Scare the dickens out of them, like seriously, exorcise Charles Dickens from their body. He’s a sneaky sneak with a mean ghostly streak. Compel him with the power of Christ before he puts your friend through an Ebenezer Scrouge-esque existential crisis. Now remember, The Christmas Carol was semi-autobiographical, so make sure to exorcise the past, present and future forms of Dicken’s ghost.

Aries March 21 – April 19

March is here, which means it’s time to spring clean your brain. Convince a good number of Oles to donate their wisdom teeth to you. Then grind up the wisdom teeth and form a paste-like substance with them. Then use this knowledge-filled paste as shampoo for the next week. The wisdom from these useless teeth will seep into your cranium, making you the smartest person on this campus. However, make sure the teeth come from good people or else you’ll use your newfound knowledge for evil instead of good.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

You and your classmates deserve a break from your hardest class. Don’t shampoo your hair for a week. During this time collect your dandruff in a large garbage bag. Collect it at least three times a day. Then, once you have a full bag of your dead head skin, go to your professor’s house and sprinkle the dandruff outside his bedroom window. He will wake up and think there is a blizzard, causing him to cancel class. Collect a small token of appreciation from everyone in your class. Then wash your hair.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

Loki can see those wrinkles already setting in. Reverse the aging process this week. Start doing things such as yakking and fleeking on things. Loki is too old to know what these things are, exactly, so for “yakking” just throw up on your campus crush. This makes the most sense. Loki can only assume fleek is a mixture between flammable and geek so go around and douse any and all geeks with a fire extinguisher. Burning geeks is one epidemic we can stop.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

It’s time for you to get a pet for your whole dorm or house. Unfortuantely, all the cool pets are not allowed in these places of residence. Therefore, it’s on you to get scale implants and become a loveable alligator. Turn to a diet of small reptiles and unsuspecting music majors. People will love you because they fear you.

Leo July 23 – Aug. 22

March Madness is right around the corner and this is your year to win your friend pool. Studying numbers and watching games is too easy and generic, so you need something bigger to give you the edge. Print out statistics on the 100 best teams in the country. Then melt them into sharp, papery contacts. Insert the contacts directly into your beady little eyeballs. You will be literally blinded by basketball knowledge. Everyone knows the best basketball oracles are blind so remember to tip Loki when you win that cool 50 bucks.

Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

HOLY CHICKEN NUGGETS KEVIN GARNETT HAS COME HOME! Stalk him, and collect his nail clippings, stray hairs and old gum. Make a shrine to him in your room, where you attempt to build a replica Kevin Garnett out of your collectings. Pray to his deformed and incomplete body every night and maybe just maybe the Timberwolves will actually win a game.

Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Loki knows you’re bummed about the holiday lull. Find a way to tide yourself over until St. Patrick’s Day. Create a national holiday called “Iron Stomach Day.” This is where everyone gets the day off and instead has to fill up on 26 bag lunches and then run around the track until they yik yak everywhere.

Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

The theater department is looking for new talent. Now is your time to shine. Produce, write and star in the one person production titled My Life as a Residence Hall Door. Perform an interprative dance in the cafeteria demonstrating your displeasure with the oppression of being locked both physically and emotionally every day.

Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

It’s time to generate some buzz for yourself. Create a Buzzfeed quiz about how much people love you. Don’t give them a negative option on the quiz. If they refuse to take the quiz, then train a dog to slap them.

Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Bring more fun to your life. Create a hopscotch board by taping down hundreds of butterscotch candies to the sidewalks in the quad with scotch tape. However, you do run the risk of no one playing with you because everyone hates butterscotch.

Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Everyone has a Loki in their life. Treat them well this week.

× Featured

Oles win nine straight, claim first round bye

Horoscopes: February 27, 2015

Hi, I’m Loki. Am I a god? Probably. Am I a student? A student of being godly, maybe. If you’re just reading this for the first time, then obviously you’ve had bad luck for the past semester and a half, and you don’t care about your friends. If you’re a repeat reader, then I love you, like seriously love you, like seriously will you marry me type of love. Don’t ever leave me. Regardless of whether or not you’ve been a consistent reader, I will still try to give you the best advice for the week ahead. Just remember that I love you and these come from the bottom of my dark little heart.

Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20

It’s that time in the semester when you really need to start buckling down and hitting the books. Stay in the library for 165 hours straight. Don’t move from your seat or you’ll fail every single class. In order to adapt to possible issues that may arise, construct a urine aqueduct that leads to bathroom. That way you won’t need to hold it or use soda bottles. If you have to go number two, however, consider a shoebox.

Aries March 21 – April 19

Money is tight. Time to live off the land. Practice your kitten mewing in order to attract a stray cat. Use the stray cat to hunt down the rat that has been living in your walls for past two months. Train the rat, Rocky-montage style, until the rat is cartoonishly muscular. Then use your freakishly large and increasingly sentient rat to hunt down weaker rats. Buy a small grill from Target and you have yourself a proper meal. Make sure to keep your bruiser of a rat in a docile state because by this point it has the brain power to stage a rat coup.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Take some time to thank your parents for providing a college education. Drop out of school, and use the tuition money you just freed up to buy a nice car. Give your parents the car and tell them you’re suddenly rich. When they pass out due to happiness, sell the car to a drifter for 50 cents on the dollar. You will simulataneously teach your parents a lesson in trust and teach yourself a lesson in business. Congrats! You’re now an economics major!

Gemini May 21 – June 20

You need to spice up your sex life. Put a bowl of pudding in the microwave. Heat that puppy up until it splatters all over the microwave. Scrape some pudding off the sides and smear it on your lips. The more burns the better. Then run outside literally as fast as you can and kiss the nearest metal pole. The kiss will be so electric that you’ll most likely be unable to break the kiss for weeks.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Already behind in a lot of your classes? Loki has the key to success for you. Eat all the keys on your keyboard. You will either experience extreme gastrointestinal discomfort and will be exempt from any work after your extended hospital visit, or you will be deemed insane and sent to a scarier looking college called Minnesota’s Scariest Insane Asylum, which has the tagline: “We Welcome Ghouls.”

Leo July 23 – Aug. 22

Spread some joy. Ever heard of random acts of kindness? Well, try some random acts of blindness. Occassionally close your eyes during unsafe times throughout your day. Falling down the stairs might seem like a joyless act, but just think of how happy people will feel after they peel a broken Ole off the floor of Buntrock.

Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Loki can tell your best friend is sad. Haunt the living soul out of them. Their out-of-body experience will cleanse them of any sadness.

Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Fame is in your future. Start your 2016 Oscar-award-winning film now. You’re going to need a big star in order to be considered, so hop on a spaceship with A$AP Rocky results will depend on your success of actually getting A$AP Rocky to accompany you. Once you reach a star, you’ll be disappointed to find that it’s made of gas and that you can’t physically bring it back to Earth. However, hopefully the onboard footage of your doomed journey will make it back to earth, and everyone will praise your bravery while they will also criticize your cinematic decision to die.

Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Everyone is too stressed. Tell all the pre-med kids that in order to get into medical school, they need to run through the caf butt naked while screaming their deepest darkest secrets. Trust me, it’ll be transformative for everyone.

Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Be a hero. Secretly blare “All-Star” by Smashmouth throughout all the academic buildings until people start smashing themselves in the mouth out of annoyance. Then publically shut off the music to the cheers and applause and incoherent mumblings of your peers.

Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Flash the opposing team during Friday’s basketball game. They will be so surprised by the size of your ego that’ll they’ll be too distracted to play.

Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Inject yourself with midichlorians and become a jedi.

× Featured

Oles win nine straight, claim first round bye

Horocopes: December 5, 2014

Bow down, kneel down or hoedown. It doesn’t matter what you do as long as you’re standing and praying, while fully clothed, in the glory of Loki. In this uncontroversial position, you may have a sliver of a chance to comprehend Loki’s infinite wisdom. Pony up the ho ho ho because here comes a downright darkly cheery edition of horoscopes.

Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Buy a 10-foot tall Chistmas tree and use a printout of your GPA from this semester as the star. That’s right, paste that number to the tippity top of your family’s tree. It probably won’t shine or bring joy or hope to anyone, but at least it’ll be so high up that you won’t have to see it constantly.

Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Watch Elf and eat a bonbon every time you feel stressed because you’re not doing something constructive with your time. Hopefully by the time the movie ends you’ll be in a food coma and won’t wake up until after finals end.

Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Jump on that Santa bandwagon. Literally, jump on Santa’s bandwagon of a sleigh and ride that thing until Rudolph’s nose ceases to shine.

Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20

Step 1: Become a secret Santa for the whole school. Step 2: Write a P.O. box love note for everyone from a random Ole. Step 3: Hang up mistletoe literally everywhere around campus. Step 4: Record the biggest makeout session ever recorded in U.S. history. Step 5: Post on YouTube. Step 6: Profit.

Aries March 21 – April 19

Call up Taylor Swift and sternly tell her that she is not special; we all go back to December. Every year.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Get your loved ones a present they’ll truly enjoy. First, get a box. Second, cut a hole in that box. Third, put your junk in that box. By junk I mean favorite memories. You know, pictures, short stories, inside jokes. The hole gives them easier access. Then, have them open the box. That’s the way you do it.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

Sharpen a few candy canes with your pointy little incisors. Fuse them to your head in order to make temporary devil horns. Chances are you’ve already spent your entire life imploring any god you know that somehow your finals will be canceled, or at least easy, so you might as well take a chance with Lucifer himself.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Channel the transformed Grinch. Have your heart grow three sizes. You’ll save a bunch of time and energy pumping blood through your veins. Use this newfound energy to steal Christmas, thereby channeling the original Grinch. Everyone loves a bad boy/girl, just not Santa – but who cares, you’ll have enough of everyone else’s presents, and you can use the coal you get from Santa to heat your home.

Leo July 23 – Aug. 22

Make a dreidel out of clay. Clay Matthews, of the Green Bay Packers, that is. Find a way to get a lock of his golden mane or collect a bunch of his dead skin follicles and make a dreidel of them. Clay’s football prowess will translate into good luck when it comes to taking money from grandma.

Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Repeat every fourth word, three times. Example: Santa Claus goes ho ho ho, so let it snow snow snow, looks like Van Gogh Gogh Gogh his paintings to be specific, harvest it for dough dough dough, watch your stacks grow grow grow, rain benjamins like throw throw throw, take the fame slow slow slow, here comes Spring’s glow glow glow, fat stacks no mo mo mo, don’t sweat it yo yo yo, snow will again flow flow flow.

Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Find a surrogate for your stress baby. You may have to pony up quite a bit of dough or just pony up a pony, because imposing your stress on someone else for nine months is costly. However, be wary; once gestation is over, you’ll have a full-blown stress infant.

Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Loki wishes you only you Scorpios happy holidays! Good luck on finals and please keep reading the Variety page next semester!

× Featured

Oles win nine straight, claim first round bye

Horoscopes: November 21, 2014

Horoscopes

I am Loki. I am the turkey hangover that plagues you for three straight days after Thanksgiving. I know you inside and out, and will shed some light on your upcoming week.

Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Go without caffeine for a week. Ha. Even Loki can joke.

Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

You will feel sad about the weather. To combat this, harness the power of the sun Doc Ock style. Just watch out for those friendly, neighborhood, radioactive spiders.

Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You will feel sick this week. So do something sick. Maybe even do something sick nasty. Something so sick it makes other people sick. The only way to fight fire is with fire.

Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Remember hand turkeys? You will turn these in for every assignment this week and you will be rewarded with a failing grade.

Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20

Get ready for Black Friday. Treat the Home line food like a prized electronic device on Black Friday and start a riot for it. You will not succeed in your preparation unless you scald two people with hot gravy.

Aries March 21 – April 19

Prepare yourself for cheek pinching at Thanksgiving. Lie face down in the snow for three hours.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

You’ll begin to worry about your family silently judging you for being single at Thanksgiving. So pull a That’s So Raven and dress as your own significant other. Then eat an entire apple pie and throw up on the dinner table so that your family will appreciate single you even more.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

Your professors will fail to understand the “break” part of Thanksgiving break. Write them an “excused from class” note and forge Loki’s signature. They won’t believe the note but they will question your stress level and will reduce your work load accordingly.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

You’ll procrastinate, but do not worry. To compensate, you’ll burn the midnight oil. Meaning, you’ll burn the oil in your unshowered hair in a fit of stress. Remember, though, no matter what happens, you’re strong, beautiful and hot. Like sexy hot and like on-fire hot.

Leo July 23 – Aug. 22

Resist the urge to purge. Release your hate and then constipate. Your blocked up bowels will save you time. Now that’s prime.

Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

You’ll start worrying about finals. Take a step back and realize that, in the big picture, your finals are relatively insignifcant. In fact, you’ll remember that we’re all just specks on this giant blue and green ball and once your fleck gets swept away, you have only the unkown to look forward to. Then, once you finish your quarter-life crisis, you’ll cuddle up and watch Netflix until Thanksgiving.

Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Be thankful. Remember what Thanksgiving is all about and tell those close to you that you are thankful for them.

× Featured

Oles win nine straight, claim first round bye