Author: Loki the Great

Horoscopes: 14 November 2014

I am Loki. I am that gum you swallowed four years ago that still hasn’t been completely digested. Even though that may be an urban legend, I am not. I am that gum. I sit in your stomach, getting an inside look at your entire life. Don’t question me or I’ll make you constipated when you try to flush me out.

Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Eat one old piece of Halloween candy for every time you’ve been heartbroken. If you puke, then you will find love this week. If you don’t, Loki will metaphorically tear you heart out, you lucky little ducky.

Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

You will befriend the campus dog. And by dog, I mean the fat squirrel that is still running around campus. And by befriend I mean devour because you live in Hilleboe and don’t want to trek all the way to the Caf in this weather.

Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You will attempt to grow a mustache for Movember, but will quickly be apprehended by Pub Safe once you take two steps outside of your door because you’re holding a bag of leftover Halloween candy and look like a pervy gremlin with that patchy lip rug.

Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You will start playing Christmas music this week but will stop once the Halloween Ole the Lion slaps you with a F in your easiest class for taking attention away from him. Oh, you didn’t read “‘Twas the Night Before Halloween” in the issue from a few weeks ago? Loki suggests you read the Variety section every week or Loki will slap you with more than a F.

Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20

You will wish for more snow. Loki does not like snow, so Loki will make you audibly fart in class. Conversely, you will resent the snow once it arrives. Loki doesn’t like people who don’t appreciate what life brings their way, so Loki will make you sweat profusely in class. Seems like a lose-lose to Loki.

Aries March 21 – April 19

You will fail to get into two of the classes you want for next semester. You will then wake up from that nightmare to realize you’re a second semester senior who can’t get into three of the classes you want for next semester. Happy registration!

Taurus April 20 – May 20

You’ve been harboring Caf mugs. Loki knows. Now, return the mugs and make a few nifty holiday cups with the newly fallen snow as replacements. If you don’t, Loki will make snow mugs for you and then proceed to force you to eat sixteen of them, you cold-hearted monster.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

You will download Yik Yak to see what all the hype is about. If you’re a first year, you’ll undoubtly revel in the anonomous fun. If you’re older than that, you will read the Yaks and then yak all over a yak. Don’t own a yak? Buy one. Trust Loki, it’s worth it to make a point.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

This week you will put snow down your pants in order to calm the literal fire that started when you saw your crush.

Leo July 23 – Aug. 22

Praise a Pause Pizza. Set it on a pedestal and praise it. If someone tells you to stop, look them in their eyes and say “pause…pizza time” and then MC Hammer dance away.

Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Only partially read your emails this week. If you only partially read this horoscope, Pub Safe now has the right to come into your room and blare “Friday,” by Rebecca Black, on a Tuesday, in order to wake you up. Also Pause Dances will now be held in the neverending rabbit hole located in Carleton’s arboretum.

Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Smile at Nick Stumo-Langer ’15 the next time you see him or else you will turn to stone.

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Proposed SGA Constitution changes put to the vote

Horoscopes: November 7, 2014

Horoscopes

Bow down before me, mortals. Ye know not the power of Loki. I am in the trees. I am in the wind. If you say something stupid, I will hear of it. If you drop your food in the middle of the Caf, I will know of it.

Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

After receiving rave reviews about your sexy bumblebee costume, you will proceed to wear it every day for the next month, after which you will be known as “that one guy” until you graduate.

Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

You should probably do your laundry. It’s been four weeks, and although you’ve changed your underwear every day, we can all smell you. Loki speaks for the administration when he says that you smell worse than a Frost Giant.

Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You will watch Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas even though it is the week after Halloween and you will love it.

Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You will finally trade your outdated One Direction posters for some hip Five Seconds of Summer swag.

Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20

The first time you were told to “drop the bass,” you got grounded for throwing dinner on the floor. So if you drop it again, make sure to do it in the Caf; you may get applause.

Aries March 21 – April 19

You will finally convince your grandma that “tur-duck-en” is an exotic, multilayered Thanksgiving dish, rather than a former Soviet Bloc state.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

You will decipher the well-kept secret that no one actually likes music kids. Not the professors, not the other students, not even their parents.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

You will start your own band! You just need to think of a cool band name, like Pincushion Rebellion or Stop the Broccoli. Most of these names will be anchored in self-evident truths.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

You will spend the next week raking together the dopest leaf pile of all time. It’s going to be great – until an escaped convict opportunely uses it for cushioning after jumping from the top of Larson tower to escape the Feds.

Leo July 23 – Aug. 22

When you die, you will be buried inside a Gucci store.

Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

After you realize you’re very late to jump on the Kony 2012 movement, you will open up your own chain of delicious frozen fruit-sicle stands.

Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Loki sees in your future a date. It involves asking that special someone out to a drink at the Cow. You know, that handsome blonde dude with the luscious hair. Loki will see you at 9.

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Proposed SGA Constitution changes put to the vote

Horoscopes: October 24, 2014

I, Loki the Great, the ultimate authority on all things clairvoyant, do hereby declare this week to be Party Week. Midterms are over. Let the faculty and righteous scholars of the campus despair!

Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

In order to reinvigorate your sex life, you will role-play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. First, you have to find a few radiated turtles and an old rat. Good luck!

Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Erik Gartland ’15 is swagadocious. If you see him, ask him to “Cat Daddy” for you. Loki deems it to be lucky.

Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

President David R. Anderson ’74 loves colorful fall leaves. Find a beautiful leaf and give it to him! Don’t forget to take a picture and send it to mess-variety@stolaf.edu.

Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

You have eaten the eye of Odin and been bestowed his endless wisdom. Now use it and stop going to Triplex.

Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20

You will see your ex while walking through the quad. It will be beautiful and sunny and you will walk right past her/him. You will attempt to greet your ex, only to have your throat close up at the last possible second. He/she will then avert his/her eyes to the ground. It will be awkward.

Aries March 21 – April 19

After mistaking your sister’s Zoloft for your vitamins, you will come to the conclusion that life is fantastic and that we’re all part of the same cosmic ball of energy.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Pizza bagels are the way forward!

Gemini May 21 – June 20

After shadowing the Norwegian mafia on-campus, you will finally meet the illustrious Cod-father. Be sure to pay your respects and don’t get too cheeky, lest he have you turned into Christmasfest lutefisk.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

If you put on a blazer, you better be ready to wear a tie. Who do you think you are, Robert Downey Jr.?

Leo July 23 – Aug. 22

Yeah, those textbooks have been heavy, but it’ll pay off when you are ceremoniously offered the position of first-string quarterback for the St. Olaf football team.

Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Who let the dogs out? You did. That’s not good. There are literally hundreds of rabid hounds swarming around Dundas. See you in court, Virgo.

Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

October is the month of philanthropy. Treat your favorite Mess writers to a bag of Funyuns. Loki has the munchies.

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Proposed SGA Constitution changes put to the vote

Horoscopes: October 17, 2014

I, Loki the Great, will use my soothsaying powers to anticipate a relatively painless midterm season for all the students and faculty of the College.

Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

High-five the next person you see. No, actually. Do it. Seriously, this is not a request. Do it or I will find you and force feed you an entire issue of the Manitou Messenger. Literally. I will force you to consume it intellectually and then physically.

Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Your mind will be blown when you suddenly realize that the lyrics to Weird Al’s “White and Nerdy” apply to 85 percent of the student body.

Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Ring-by-spring does not apply to freshmen. So find an attractive upperclassman, ask her or him out by putting a note in her or his PO box and then follow her or him around the next Pause dance. If that doesn’t work, try sitting in the broomball rink with a sign that says “free kisses.”

Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You will realize the importance of eating your bag lunch inside when a squirrel steals your turkey on multigrain – no cheese.

Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Stay safe at those U of M parties over the weekend, lest you give St. Olaf students a worse reputation than they already have.

Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20

Stay safe and don’t eat too much cheese at your esoteric, black-tie parties at the U of M this weekend, lest you give St. Olaf professors a worse reputation than they already have.

Aries March 21 – April 19

Good karma is hot this week. Tell your favorite custodial workers just how beautiful they are. Maybe even give them a gift-card to their favorite eatery.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Lime green is the new black.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

You will fail to break your breakfast routine for the fifth straight week. Maybe it’s time to top your cheesy eggs with picante sauce. Spice up your life!

Cancer June 21 – July 22

You’ll discover that, in order to reconnect to your Italian heritage, you should clench your thumb and middle finger together while shaking your wrist and repeating “La-sagn-a” over and over again.

Leo July 23 – Aug. 22

You will meet the love of your life in Regents when you both exit lab with hideous goggle marks.

Virgo Aug. – Sept. 22

October is the month of philanthropy. Treat your favorite Mess writers to a Dessert After Dark from the Cage. Loki prefers the apple crisp à la mode.

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Proposed SGA Constitution changes put to the vote

Horoscopes: October 3, 2014

I, Loki the Great, will use my foresight to score each student of St. Olaf a hot date and ensure the daily serving of chocolate macadamia nut cookies in the Caf results may vary.

Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

After finishing Breaking Dawn, embark on the enigmatic 50 Shades of Grey series. It will change your life and score you points in the bedroom.

Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Adopt an exotic animal. Llamas and capybaras match well. Beware of armadillos and kangaroos.

Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Saturday night is ladies’ night! Loki recommends hitting up the biker bars in Dundas. Find yourself a good ol’ country boy!

Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Loki predicts that, as you walk alone through Norway Valley, a bright light will appear to you. These celestial rays will reveal the true location of that attractive Carl you’ve had your eye on.

Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Break out of your semester routine and pick up a hobby! Loki suggests brewing mead [Editor’s note: off-campus, if you are of age!] or carving celebrities’ faces into apples. Can you think of a better way to celebrate the equinox?

Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20

October is the month of philanthropy. Treat your favorite Mess writers to a chicken tender melt from the Cage. Loki prefers the pepper-jack cheese.

Aries March 21 – April 19

Hold the door open for a fellow Ole; otherwise Fenrir, the monstrous Norse wolf, will find you.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Today is a day of radical change. Throw off the chains of oppression and vie for the St. Olaf presidency. Viva la Revolución!

Gemini May 21 – June 20

Gemini freshmen: Loki realizes you may still be pre-med. Next month you will most likely be pre-PT. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Take advantage of these few and glorious years on campus. Roll with the punches.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

You are intelligent, gregarious and all-around awesome.

Leo July 23 – Aug. 22

It’s time to revive that revered St. Olaf tradition: streaking. Get some friends together and meet Loki in front of Buntrock at 9 p.m. It’ll be a beautiful night to go au naturel.

Virgo Aug. – Sept. 22

Switch deodorants. Do it now. Axe Musk body spray is not a valid scent. Looking at you, athletes.

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Proposed SGA Constitution changes put to the vote