Sunday, November 17, 2019

Warning: This page might be Satire

Hallowenian

The Morbid Truth

Pre-med student forgets to remind friends that orgo homework is hard

“I knew something was missing right away,” Nick Roskam ’21 told reporters, referring to the emptiness he felt after his friend and pre-med student...

GreatCon changes name to reflect student beliefs, now JustOkayCon

The students of GreatCon won a major battle with the St. Olaf administration and program faculty this week. After months of campaigning, the Great...

Dr. Anton Armstrong gets new service tiger to enforce fealty

Tosdal Professor of Music and Conductor of the St. Olaf Choir, Anton Armstrong will employ a service tiger for the remainder of the 2019-20...

BasketBall

Thorson resident absolutely repulsed by football team’s practice playlist

Over the last few weeks, the football season has been in full swing, meaning afternoon practices can be easily heard from a distance if...

Women’s hockey loses overtime thriller to figure skating club

Since its inception this past winter, hockey fans at St. Olaf have been starved for exciting games at the ice rink. Marred by disappointing...

Feelings

I survived: post office worker lost among packages

The worst day of my life was the day that I got lost among the packages in the mailroom at St. Olaf College. I am a post office worker – one of the smiling elves who conveniently produces your package from the teetering stacks of mail and delivers it to...

Philosophy major chains himself to ashtray to protest stricter smoking rules

A specter is haunting St. Olaf – the specter of draconian new smoking policies imposed by the crypto-fascists in the SGA or whatever. Their dangerous policies will threaten the crippling addictions of almost every Philosophy major (myself included), while dangerously raising air quality around the benches by Buntrock to...

Forcing Pause employees to wash hands unethical

For some stupid reason, the Pause has decided to enforce new rules on their employees requiring them to wash their hands before working in the kitchen. While unsurprising, this move has been met with mounds of controversy. Pause executive member Jamie Briggs '20 remains firm in his decision to...

Acorns & Enchiladas